Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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