We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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