she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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