The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
