My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize