theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
