I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
