I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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