apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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