like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
