Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
