I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
