I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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