i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
