I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
