if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
