i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
