I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
