I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
