eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
