i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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