Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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