i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
