If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
