wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
