YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
They have beer where we have blood.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
