i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize