she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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