i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
