just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
