okay pat passed out under dana's car
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
