if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize