I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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