If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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