hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
