And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
