ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
