What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
