Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I am full of burrito and curiosity
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
