Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
