I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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