Barsexuality is the new black.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
