Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
