I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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