It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize