what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
