just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
