Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Randomize
