I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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