Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize