You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
