Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
