Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
