me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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