I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
