Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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