I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
