I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
