he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
