i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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