You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
