i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize